Probably Screwed

Sometimes I have no words.

My life is a really REALLY good life. Right now I have a very well-paying job. My husband makes even more money than I do. I own a lovely, modern, and spacious home in a safe and clean neighborhood. I have all the friends I need – and a few I don’t. And my family makes it very clear that I’m loved. There’s generally so little that I could complain about that, within the context of “the big picture,” complaining about the things I could complain about seems ridiculous.

Still, there are many days when death seems very desirable. Now, before anyone freaks out and calls a suicide intervention on my behalf, I want to be as clear as I possibly can that suicide is NOT what I’m talking about – at all.

For many people, death is scary. It’s something to be postponed in all circumstances and at all costs – except, usually, the cost of a gym membership or the cost of time needed to make healthy choices about food and lifestyle habits. We lazy Americans don’t like those costs. But for me, for probably many reasons, death doesn’t scare. For me, death will be peace and stillness. A supremely serene rest that will take me back to our common Source until it’s time to once again be and do.

My life is apparently busier than I can 100% successfully manage. “So what? That’s everybody,” you might say. But anyone who knows me will confirm that I am not like everybody. I am, though, like a great number of people who are very much bothered by this area of unsuccess. I’m a list maker. I’m a list-checker-offer. I consider things and then I decide on them and then  I act on them. Always always ALWAYS something to do. I don’t multitask anymore, though – since learning that it’s not a real thing anyway. It’s not even on my resume anymore. Ha ha.

But as productive or successful or …. happy as my life actually is – and truly it’s more than plenty of all those things – for a mind like my own much energy is (frankly) wasted on always seeing what lies ahead and finding the best possible way to navigate that. I can check 50 things off my list during a day, but the last thing I couldn’t manage to get to will be what stands out. Surely, dear reader, you understand that over time that kind of thing wears on a person. The despicable Dr. Phill once advised his audience to finish what they start – stating that so much of our problems these days come from our tendency to not finish things as we should. So, they hover over us and are added to each time we start stuff and don’t finish. Even little things, like reading books. Never in 800 years will I tell anyone to take that man’s advice, but in this one area he’s surely on to something.

Each day, as enjoyable as almost each day really is, I wake up wide-eyed and ready to go, and then hit the ground running. (I think my step-mom does the very same thing and this is just one of a hundred ways I’m increasingly convinced she and I are actually blood-related) There’s almost no choice. If I hit the ground walking, the day will slip entirely through my fingers with zero accomplished and too much rests on my shoulders and hovers above my head for that to be acceptable. My hope is that I’m efficient enough to get ahead in some areas and thereby carve out some space for walking.

All that running, though, is why I’m not scared of death and even look forward to it. Retirement or old age doesn’t even appeal to me as a time of slowing down. Frankly, old age and retirement just strike me as a time in life when you’re probably going to have too little money and also a body that is at least as much burden as it is a blessing – interestingly, in our current culture many of us have too little money because of our bodies! The trend in my life is that when school and work and religion aren’t tugging at me, then a family member is dying or I’m battling kidney stones or trying to sell a home or the cat’s pissing on carpet. Life has no quams about putting more on my plate. None what-so-ever. And before anyone pipes up with “God never gives us more than we can handle” or “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” please allow me to say STUFF IT. I don’t feel flattered or strong by what “god has given me” and sometimes what doesn’t kill you leaves you maimed and a little weak. I’ve heard that there’s no rest for the weary and also have heard that there’s no rest for the wicked. Many days I’m weary and every day I’m quite wicked so …. I’m probably screwed.

So, yeah. Death. Desirable. I know this whole post is probably sounding awfully macabre or melancholy. It’s not intended to. I’m just tired and ready for …. a vacation? Where death is concerned, though, I can tell you I won’t need Jesus. Or Heaven and angels. Frankly, if I see any of that then I’ll refuse it all right then and there before turning and heading some other celestial direction. Until then, I guess my best options include yoga, meditation, and letting things go when necessary.

Aum Shri Mahaganeshaya Namah | (and for pete’s sake) Aum SHANTI


2 responses to “Probably Screwed

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