A Certain Lunacy

Every generation sees change to the world it didn’t anticipate. It seems to be an on-going joke with every new generation that the ones before it (which are still living) are crotchety, grumpy old people who dislike whatever happens to define modernity simply because the change of the times is something older people struggle more and more to keep up with. (In defense of older people everywhere – things ARE changing faster than they ever have in world history and so it IS tougher and tougher to keep up with!)

I can picture my great-grandparents rolling their eyes that my grandparents got to work in factories and offices instead of in the field and factories – such a posh life working indoors! “Young people have no idea how easy they have it today!” And my grandparents probably were grouches about the generation following them. “Damned hippies! What’s this crap about peace, love, and flower power?!?! Get a job and keep it!” My parents’ generation has worked really hard (often responsibly and often irresponsibly) to give my generation the easiest life we could have – we were probably one of the first generations to really want for nothing…. for the most part. Now they are the generation griping. “Kids get trophies JUST for showing up! Everyone these days is so sensitive – so easily offended!” The very people who themselves worked their fingers to the bones to spoil so much of my generation are now vocal about how people today need to toughen up and work hard for what they have in life. Complaining about the perceived faults of subsequent generations seems pretty par for the course of being a human. What will be my generation’s complaint? Although time will tell if I’m wrong, I think our biggest complaint will relate to those who came before instead of those who came after.

From the reading I’ve done, it seems like those who are coming after my generation (there are a few “generations” between what I would consider to me mine and the generation my generation is currently producing) are making their own way. Articles I read and people I speak with indicate that there is a different set of priorities at work with those groups. They seem to be mostly responsible. They recognize the world’s current and unnecessary weaknesses and exploitations and want to change them – or at least not be contributors. They’re spending their monies differently. There seems to be a bit of a break between my generation and the ones coming of age at this moment. And my generation, mostly, doesn’t seem to care about those differences. We don’t care that they not only don’t want to own homes but also are willing to pay three mortgages worth of rent on a space the size of my bedroom closet – all just to be in the city. In the past, the older people were annoyed or upset whenever those coming of age broke from what existed. My dad’s generation caught shit from their dad’s generation just for letting their hair grow. My generation doesn’t care so much about forcing what is on those who will be.

What seems to send my generation into orbit is the rigidity of attitudes and beliefs of those who came before. To be clear, the rigidity is the issue more than the other. My generation is saying “Be a voice, not an echo.” Those starting to come after us are saying, “This is my voice and I’ll say what I will in whatever language I choose.” But those from generations before mine are perceived to mostly say, “God – you’re whiny! Why can’t your voice be more like mine – AND – in English? What’s wrong with mine?”

I have a feeling this will show itself to be a new cycle of things. Growing pains may be scary severe…. old habits die hard, they say. Right?

Aum Shri Mahaganeshaya Namaha | Aum Shanti


Chakra Journey


The following was taken from a recent Heartfulness newsletter which is sent out to abhyasis. The words are those of Daaji and I’m adding this here for additional visibility and also to highlight some of the more esoteric and mystical aspects of the very simple path of Sahaj Marg / Heartfulness. If you’re reading this and 1) not an abhyasi or practitioner of Heartfulness meditation, or 2) don’t possess much of the Sahaj Marg library, or 3) have experienced only the “surface level” of our path (which itself at that level is still quite deep), or 4) all the above – then this might be confusing to you. No worries. Just read it and keep moving.

“Polarity exists in the Heart Region; opposites are there. Once you cross the Heart Region or Pind Pradesh, all the dwandwas (opposites) related to the pancha bhutas are dropped. If you are still stuck between dwandwas it is an impossibility for you to enter the Cosmic Region. So polarity finishes in the Heart Region. Then, what remains in the Cosmic Region? More and more of less and less of the ego. It is no longer a matter of opposites; it is only the extent of the ego that is refined. Then, once you enter the Central Region, it is a different ball game again; more and more of less and less of bliss, to the extent that it is zeroed out.”

Aum Shri Mahaganeshaya Namaha | Aum Shanti

Don’t Hatch


“When love shines supreme in the meditating heart, whatsoever it may touch is alchemized.” This is a quote taken from a piece written by Daaji and shared back in September of last year. You can read it here. I wanted to share this because it’s something I sometimes struggle with… I’m not saying I struggle with letting love shine or the other things mentioned in the post. Surely, some struggle is to be expected in the human life – maybe even a lot. Our path of Heartfulness also teaches that these struggles build character and experience, and when used properly they lead to an ever greater capacity to be emptied of our worst and filled with only subtle openness and divinity. That much is fine. Dandy even. An area that seems to be one of my sticking places is in the marriage of the “above” and the “below.”

My earliest years as a practicing Hindu brought to my spiritual arsenal a bag of tricks which are fantastic aids indeed for the one trying for self-evolution. I can tell you first-hand, dear reader, that there are “tantras, mantras, and mudras” which will bring a person benefit. (Of course, some of these also come with ample room for misuse and this has been well-documented in many cases.) My current meditation practice, which is now known globally as Heartfulness (prior, see SRCM, Sahaj Marg, etc…), is by far the simplest tool I currently possess and employ (and is also immensely effective) which does so well at helping to marry the mundane to the magical (the “above” and “below”). Daaji also wrote something mentioning the idea of an egg, broken from within. This imagery spoke to me.

Most people, at some time in their life, have seen a baby bird hatching from its egg. It usually goes something like this: The eggs begins to wobble a little or move on its own. Then perhaps the smallest of sounds can be heard from within. Faint scratching. Tiny movements. Then, after a little while the observer might see or hear a crack. Then another. Soon a tiny piece of the eggshell itself might fall from the structure and you’d be able to see in – or at least see a small bit of the life that’s inside. From there, the progress seems to move a bit faster. Maybe what happens next is that the existing cracks lengthen or widen a bit. Maybe more pieces are chipped off from the inside. We all know the end result: A broken egg and a hatchling experiencing new life outside the confines of that shell – the only existence it’d known prior to that moment.

I think there’s good wisdom here that anyone can learn from. Some lessons that I’ve taken from this include: The magical and the mundane are not different. There should be no struggle to marry them because they are inseparable. Chicks hatch from eggs millions of times every day – that’s as mundane as it gets. And yet, it’s wholly magical too because of the process itself. Also, no one would encourage the hatchling to stay within the shell indefinitely. Symbolically, we can see that indicates a stifled and unexpressed life but more literally it also means death. Anyone trying to convince the chick to stay inside the shell is doing harm and a chick that doesn’t make effort to break the shell itself is more than just lazy – it’s suicidal. Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, there are many things expected of that new life. That life is an irrevocable part of a massive web connecting us all. It was formed inside the shell for the purpose of staying there only the shortest possible time needed for the minimum development required to break that shell and then subsequently to be an active player in the game of life. Anything short of that is adharma.

Aum Shri Mahaganeshaya Namaha | Aum Shanti

The Purpose of God


“God has created the world so that every flower may grow in its right standard. But the lashes of time have made it to forget the purpose of God. So, some feel the life as the purpose of enjoyment, others feel the life monotonous. But the question is: What is life? It is a state of being which should remain permanently, as long as we live, thoroughly in contact with the Being, smelling at each step the fragrance of the Being.” – Complete Works of Ram Chandra, Vol III

I know some people will read the above quote and get caught on the first sentence. There are some who will read it and, if they don’t get caught on the first sentence, will get caught on the second sentence. Some still, may catch on both. That’s fine. Eventually they will be able to move on to the richness found the latter sentences. Truthfully, part of me did and does also catch on the first couple sentences – and probably for the same reasons others will, too. After all, what does “right standard” mean? What does the “purpose of God” even mean? Throughout human history so many people – too many people – have been sure they knew the precise and only real answers to what a “right standard” and “purpose of God” mean. Strangely, this certain knowledge of God’s right standard and purpose has invariably meant death – not to the ones who thought they knew, but to others near them.

Saying you know right standards and purpose of God is as foolish as saying the Sun rises in the East, and thinking it’s actually the truth. Yes, sure, the Sun seems to rise in the East. And for spatial and relational purposes, etc… the Sun seems to do just that and so it’s fine to make that reference. But for those who can see the bigger picture, or even know the bigger picture theoretically, that’s not true. There is a perception, possible only because of a very limited view. And so it seems like the Sun rises in what we call the East (which itself isn’t really even a thing – we live on a sphere, for Pete’s sake. We can go east, but there is no place which is the East and where we can arrive – and so the Sun can never rise from there.) We know the Earth travels around the Sun and rotates while it does that. Many of us understand that the “Sun rising in the East” is really our place on the Earth completing yet another spin in this pattern of travel. The Sun stays put. It doesn’t rise. And yet, those who are able to understand an even fuller picture know that even saying the Sun stays put while we cycle around it is false. Our Sun also travels through space, quite unfixed. This illustration of how limited our views usually are should be sufficient to know how terribly foolish it is to ever claim to know the purpose God has for something or what its right standard is. If most of us incorrectly perceive something as simple as the concepts of spinning or rotation, then what are the chances we’ll correctly perceive God’s “purpose” or “right standard?” At best, the most enlightened among us can probably only claim to know a fraction of those truths.

And really, the next sentence kind of says just that. Some see things one way while others have a different view. Now, those who get caught on the first to sentences will read what I just wrote about others having different views and they’ll say, “Well the view of others is just wrong.” And this is a big part of why those minds will remain on the so-called “square one” and will continue for some time to be caught on the first two sentences. As before, that’s fine.

The last sentence, however, is what we should aim for. Don’t bother with determining the right standard for something or with figuring out the details of God’s purpose. You probably can’t do anything about changing either of those things, anyway. And if you could figure them out completely and truly and risked wanting to change them, what would that mean for yourself? See, more questions and no additional answers come from that effort.

Aim for staying permanently and thoroughly in contact with the Being. That’s it.

Aum Shri Mahaganeshaya Namaha | Aum Shanti

The 37th


Yesterday (the 26th) at around 5:06am the prior year of my life became history and a new one has started. For me observing this New Year has usually been more significant than observing the one marked by western calendars. If you want to read what I wrote about on last year’s New Year (for me) you can click here and visit that post.

On my New Year I often spend time in reflection and meditation, reviewing how the prior year has gone and thinking about what to allow onto my plate for the coming year. Keep reading if you’re interested in this year’s New Year thoughts and observations and plans.

  1. Although much of me is the same from last year, much of me is very different. Between work and home lives, family life, religious or spiritual lives (I maintain the two are independent of each other), and all the other things that go into the making of a person – I continue to evolve. I’m so glad for this! Every inch of progress made in my personal evolution is intended and sought after with a hunger I still can’t name. My darling husband, my precious family, my many sweet friends, and my path with Heartfulness / Sahaj Marg / Hinduism continue to challenge and shape me in fantastic ways! Regardless of what kind of “me” you might consider me to be, I am a continually improving me and few things could make me happier.
  2. The world I inhabit is also different and evolving. It becomes increasingly (and sadly) true that someone’s silence speaks louder than any words their mouth might form. What people speak about and how they speak about it can say just about all you’d need or want to know about them. But where they place their silence says volumes more.


If you clicked the link I provided above you would have been taken to a list of 36 random things (plus one bonus item) about me. I have reviewed this list and find that virtually none of it has changed. So if you knew me a year ago, you can count on at least that much remaining true. However, below you will find a list of things either I simply didn’t include last year but which were just as true then, or which are true now and might not have been a year ago.


  1. Addiction is a disease. Literally. People who think addiction simply comes down to making a choice aren’t totally wrong – but they are being overly simplistic…. and so they are wrong enough. It is not at all as simple as the decision not to do something and anyone who thinks that is just as sick in the head as the person with an addiction.
  2. Skinny is not always or automatically sexy or beautiful, and neither is it any sure sign of health. Please believe. Anyone who self-describes as “fit” simply because their waist is 30″ is full of shit.
  3. Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth” – just read it. And then reread it.
  4. I’m gonna start studying Judaism soon.
  5. I happen to LOVE crochet. And I’m good at it.
  6. Autoimmune issues are a thing. Like, a real and nasty and painful thing.
  7. I love my new home. Getting here was painful and started to kill me (kinda literally) but has been SO worth it.
  8. Although it’s how I primarily identify, I don’t always feel like I’m a male human. I’m not saying I feel like a female human, either. I’m learning something significant about myself here. When I mentioned it to my husband over dinner he gave me some side eye and said I might be queer. Isn’t that nice?
  9. I am (apparently) too despicable to tolerate for some people. Or for just one person, anyway. That’s not always been super pleasurable to digest, but I’m okay with it. It seems to have been Nature’s way of clearing out dead vegetation in favor of new, vibrant growth. I’m having fun trusting that process & making kind new friends often which I suspect will have a positive impact on my next year of life. Some of those friends are pictured here with me.


Alright – that’ll do. This is me as I head into another year of life – let’s see how 37 turns out! Jaya Ganesha!

Aum Shri Mahaganeshaya Namaha | Aum Shanti

Mother’s Potato Salad

Over a decade ago I began working at Lifespa – the spa and salon inside Lifetime Fitness. This was my second job as a hairdresser and in the year before coming to work there I’d been a member of the gym itself. I remember mentioning the new gym membership to a few others when I first opened my membership there and being met with a response of, “Oh that place? That’s where the beautiful people go.” I had no idea how true that would prove to be. I hadn’t yet met Leah Burris.

I worked at LifeSpa for a little under a decade and while I was there I occupied a few different work stations which led me to having different neighbors while I worked. There was at one point a remodel of the spa and also a shuffling of the work roster and when all the drywall dust had settled I found myself in a work station next to Leah Burris. Almost immediately, I’d found my work wife! At first our relationship was shaped a bit like student-teacher. She helped me understand the spa’s line of color and helped get me out of a few color mishaps. I recall others asking her for her ideas on color formulation and then, for who-knows-what reason, would not take the advice. She didn’t like that very much. Her reasoning was is if you thought she was worthy of roping in and she honored your request enough to engage, then you need to do what she suggests. She and I differed in that. I was always more okay with telling people later, “I told you so.”

Leah and I were very different in so many ways. She was often conservative, Republican, religious, reserved. In contrast, I was progressive, Democrat, spiritual, and open-book. Surely there were times when we butted heads but far more often than not we complimented each other through our differences. We could disagree with each other wholly and keep right on moving. She and I would toss ideas to each other and test the other’s response. We guided each other and helped to grow each other in ways that were so evolutionary.

Leah was devout and sure of her place within the Christian denomination she practiced. And yet she knew when rules ought to be bent. Because of some of her health concerns she maintained good care with her doctors, but she also would go to “Chinese medicine” doctors, too. She read the Bible often and also read lots of books by Christian authors, but she also enjoyed going to psychics and strongly believed in other non-traditional Christian ideas like pre-birth. In fact, she loved visiting those who can see “beyond” and she told me on a number of occasions that she was very sure that her children had lived before this life and also that the three of them had known each other in earlier lives. She felt this so strongly and it brought peace to her heart as well as an even deeper connection to her reason for living – her children. She and I had fun ear candling one time. We also once went to Chicago for an long weekend and for that whole weekend left her car parked directly in front of a “No Parking” sign (That was in 2009 – we’d already been friends for years by that point). And after my husband and I bought our condo, which happened around Passover that year, she came over and that night we did a Native American sage smudging of my new home while chanting Hindu prayers, followed by ritualized foot washing and reading of biblical passages, followed by communion which was of matzo bread wafer and lemon drop martinis as the blood of Christ. (To be clear, she had brought red wine to be the blood of Christ, but spilled his blood on the sidewalk outside when she dropped the bottle and so the lemon drop martinis – originally intended as a housewarming gift – became our blood of Christ.) Leah always knew when to do the right thing as well as when the right thing wasn’t “right.” For the record, that was the yummiest communion I’ve ever taken.

After a number of years, when I decided to go back to school, I went to part-time hours at the spa. And after completing school I found work at an outpatient cancer treatment center, at which time I decreased my hours to weekends only. As exhausted as I was to work so much, my favorite day of the week was always Saturday when I could work beside Leah. After two years of working weekends at the spa, I stepped away altogether and my direct interaction with Leah was even tougher to make happen. Still, we stayed in touch and we lived only a few minutes from each other which was also convenient on a number of occasions.

I learned a lot while at the cancer clinic and earlier in 2016 when Leah told me of her liver resection I was optimistic, but very concerned. Often the worst part this kind of thing, for me, is seeing my loved ones feel confused and powerless. People often don’t know which questions to ask or what options and resources are really available to them and I’m happy to advocate for them and help guide as I am able. Leah was able to tell me what she understood about the coming biopsies and potential diagnoses, etc… And she was very clear about her fear. I’m a realist in most cases and the experience I carry in oncology had me scared enough for both of us, but when my friend said to me, “Josh – tell me things will be okay. Tell me I’ll be alright” that’s exactly what I told her. And to a degree, I did believe it to be a possible outcome – just not very likely. That was probably the only time ever that I wasn’t fully honest with my sweet friend.

She had the liver resection early in the year and really from that time onward could just almost not catch a break. One issue after another arose and there were so many days when keeping her head above water was about all she could do. There were a few times when I either brought her to the hospital or visited her there or stayed with her overnight there. I remember one of the times she was in the hospital – the time I stayed overnight to make sure she wasn’t alone. She had just previously been given a short time to live and at one point during that stay we thought that time has been shortened further. While in the hospital right then, we revisited some funerary plans she’d given me. For almost as long as we’d known each other Leah had been giving me snip-its of requests for her funeral. One day she might tell me “I want there to be corn dogs,” and then months later might add, “… and cotton candy. But absolutely NOT my mother’s potato salad. She makes it for EVERYTHING.” These plans really piled up over our friendship and soon I had to write them down to keep them all straight. They included music she wanted, colors, flower preferences, food wants, and other things. Again and again she returned to her mother’s dreaded potato salad. She admitted that it was good salad, but was practically a cliche by now and requested of me to do everything in my power to prevent her from bringing it to Leah’s funeral – and that if it made an appearance, I was to dispose of it. (Fortunately, Leah had mentioned to her husband and her sister that “Josh has the plans” and she assured me they would offer support to make these requests reality.) I felt fortunate that her pastor made a visit on the day I stayed over with Leah at the hospital and he was supportive of her expressed wishes. (NOTE: I had a friend ready to make an appearance at the funerary meal JUST for the purpose of helping me get rid of that potato salad! Coincidentally, this friend also had already started giving me her own funerary wants, so she was more than happy to help with Leah’s!)

It was in that hospital room that day that we discussed what it means to fight. I encouraged her to look at the whole picture and its potential implications – that she was going to die from cancer and that her death may come before she wants it to. She said right then that she was afraid to acknowledge that kind of thing because it felt like resignation – something her pastor agreed with. As tough as it was for me at the time, I had to openly disagree with both of them. I explained that, in my view, there’s never been an instance of fighting something blindly. No boxer goes into the ring without preparing and training and learning about his opponent. No boxer enters the ring to fight without the full acceptance of the fact that the fight will probably be very painful and might not go well. I tried to encourage her – that to truly fight meant facing the obstacle squarely and then moving forward with as much bravery and strength as could be gathered. Her response to this was to turn her head to give me this amazed open-mouthed look, let out a short breath, and then say, “Wow, Josh. Thanks for calling that out like that.” I just wanted to cry. It would have been much easier and for more preferable for me to just flatter Leah’s pastor and say anything sugar-coated to comfort my friend. But that’s not me. I don’t like being considered the bad guy, but if someone wants to call me that because I was honest or because I refuse to contribute to behavior or thinking I know is not helpful, then I’ll just be the bad guy. Leah knew I would always be honest with her.

I recall one summer day when I came after work to see her. A nurse was just leaving and I entered with a Starbuck’s treat for Leah. I could tell her spirits were down and she seemed on edge. After the nurse left I asked, “Leah, what’s up?” Her answer was, “It’s been a tough day, Josh.” Her labs were a little wonky, pain was extra tough to manage, she’d been confused on some things, visitors were making her tired, and at some point she’d gotten her foot wrapped in bedding and it caused her to fall – which caused her to panic that her pain pump had come undone or something. To tell me all of this she was sitting on her bed and I listened from a place on the floor next to her bed. She started sobbing. On the surface, she was crying about having a rough day but I’d seen that kind of cry come from others in the past so many times and I knew it was because of something deeper. In her heart, she knew what she wasn’t prepared to say or accept. All I could do was crawl up into the bed and hug her – and at the time that’s all she wanted.

In the weeks after that day, I witnessed Leah have a thorough mix of really bad days and really good days. There was a day in all this when she and I did some gardening. She actually dug stuff up out of the ground! We brought the cacti she’d kept inside all winter and spring to be outside and then we arranged some sea shells among them as decoration. She also had this ganglion orchid which was in an upstairs room – her sewing room which would eventually serve as her hospice room. I have a really green thumb but orchids I’ll kill every time – her’s was doing so well! That day, we brought it outside and hanged it from a place on a branch in a tree in her backyard where it could easily be tended to but also not be cooked by Indiana’s harsh summer sun. One of the last things we did that day was to take some pictures by the wisteria growing off the side of her deck. It’s matured so nicely and was blooming all over the place. That was a great day with Leah which will never leave me.

Days like that, though, weren’t something she could manage often and she’d tell me that often just having others over to say hi or help with house work was taxing to her. Many times I could see that after about an hour of hanging out with her, her energy level was visibly lower than when I’d arrived and soon after that I was likely to hear something like, “Josh, I need to rest. I think it’s time for you to go now.” Still, she did the best she could, considering her health and even when she was tired she enjoyed seeing others.

I remember, too, when I came to see Leah once and her eyes were really yellow. Like, almost highlighter yellow. She had gone in for a chemo treatment and her labs were off, bilirubin was too high. This gave her oncologist pause – as it well should have. I was told they ran additional labs and did a body scan only to find out that all the chemo prior to that point had been basically ineffective. This was lost time that Leah really didn’t have to spare and now, because the chemo was not effective, her cancer hadn’t diminished at all. She was running out of time. It was shortly thereafter that Leah, her husband, and her children took a vacation to Florida. There were a few hiccups on the trip, but I’m told it was a mostly enjoyable experience. It seems to have come at just the right time because almost immediately after getting home again she was taken to the hospital. I might be remembering things wrong, but I think her daughter explained to me that they returned on a Friday and by Saturday afternoon she had been admitted. There was a point sometime late Friday or early Saturday when Leah raised the alarm and wanted to be taken to the hospital because “something wasn’t right.” I think Leah was in the hospital for most of a week that time around and when she was discharged it was to go home to be in hospice care.

This troubled me, obviously. I have known people to be put on hospice and be gone less than 24hrs later. And I have known people, one small Mexican woman comes to mind, who are put on hospice and then live “too long” and have to be taken off hospice, and then end up being put on and off of hospice care numerous times – living long beyond what was expected. I think Leah lived for around another week after that point, give or take a couple days. From the time I learned she was put on hospice I did my best to come over every day. I’d usually text prior to arriving, although I know it was unnecessary because her husband had made it clear to me that I was welcome anytime I felt like coming and he even said if I felt like coming at 3am that would be no trouble.

I knew time was up… Leah was hardly conscious – her pain medication kept her sleeping most of the time. As such, she wasn’t really consuming nutrients a healthy person would need to survive, let alone someone battling cancer. During those days, she would come out of her sleep and indicate she was thirsty or she might engage a little in conversation, just bits and phrases mostly. Communication was a strain for her and I recall one time shortly after I’d been coming every day, when I couldn’t quite make out what she was saying and asked her to repeat. Her response was that she perked up for a second, snapped her head quickly in my direction and sharply said, “SHIT!” (This was an exclamation of frustration not an indication of a bowel movement! LOL)

As days passed, I saw my friend utterly wilt. Seeing her skinnier than ever was something I’d grown used to since February but she was increasingly gaunt and skeletal. Less and less responsive. I would talk to her and hold her hand and at least once every day while I was there, if she came awake, I would grab the opportunity to tell her of my presence and let her know that I loved her. “Hey Leah! It’s Josh – I’m here and I love you!” In the first days of her hospice she would answer me back clearly but a little drowsy, “Hi – I love you.” As the days passed, her responses were increasingly blurred and less frequent. Then, her moments of being awake also became far less frequent. I would sit beside her for hours each day after work and pray in my own way or meditate.

During this time, I stayed in touch with my local Heartfulness preceptors who were familiar with Leah and it was around the time that I began sensing my friend’s “departure” and I asked that our conditions be read. Lightness was perceived. Peace, stillness, a state of being light and not weighed down. My own heart had begun to feel a stifling and helpless urgency – I knew she was leaving her body and when I checked for mottling, I saw the beginning signs of this. I knew it would be soon.

Leah passed near the end of July (June 21, 1968 – July 26, 2016). The day she left her body, I sensed that I needed to work from the Burris home and so I went to work that morning just to tell the others that would be working remotely. I got there, connected to the wifi, and then our mutual friend Candice arrived. She and I exchanged greetings and caught each other up on what we understood of Leah’s condition. She’ mentioned that she and Leah had talked about doing a few different artsy kinda projects – but these never were started. There was an idea of doing something with thumb prints or finger prints and Candice had with her right then a few art supplies that were meant for the project. But the ink wasn’t right and so we were stuck. We decided that someone would have to run to the art store to get different supplies, but we also wanted to try to keep it a surprise for Leah’s children – which was part of the idea of the project – to complete it and then surprise the children. We both noticed the progression of Leah’s mottling and understood that time was not on our side. Her rate of breathing was already beginning to slow noticeably. We had a gut feeling that we needed to act quickly – so we did.

By the time we decided to go to the store, Leah’s pastor and good church friend, Olesya, had arrived. We made them promise not to rat us out because we wanted to honor Leah’s wish that the project be a surprise. Her pastor was quiet in his agreement, but her friend Olesya had no trouble supporting us. So Candice and I disappeared for about an hour running to a few places and getting various things we thought we would need – changing our mind about a dozen times in the process. At one point, we found ourselves opening paints in a craft store and noticed when it was already too late that we were standing right next to a sign telling us we were on camera and that we could be prosecuted. We didn’t care. We were on a mission. And, in fact, when we saw that sign we just laughed until we cried. Had she been able, Leah would have been right there with us doing the very same thing.

We returned to the Burris home, trying to act as nonchalant as we could so as not to tip off her kids to what we were up to. Dashing up to Leah’s hospice room, we closed the door and worked as quickly as we could – with Olesya and Pastor Wade watching us the whole time. We were inking up Leah’s thumb and putting her thumb print on small pieces of wood and paper. The toughest part of it all was cleaning her thumb after we’d finished. By the time we’d returned from our errand Leah’s hands and arms were very clearing mottling and her breathing was slower than it was before we left. In the short time it took us to finish the project her breathing had slowed even more and the mottling had crept up her arms, till just above her elbows. Right as we were wrapping up the cleaning, Leah’s daughter came in and wondered what we were up to. We did our best to avoid answering, but really just made ourselves look more guilty. You could tell Hazel (Leah’s daughter) trusted us but also wanted very much to know what was going on. We couldn’t bring ourselves to tell her that we knew her mom would likely pass soon and were making a surprise her mom wanted to make before she became too sick. Instead, we just said the last part of that.

Hazel came further into the room, looked over her mom almost like she was inspecting her comfort. She adjusted her pillow a little and then gave us another fishy look like she knew we were being ornery, and then she left the room and ended up going outside to greet some others who were arriving. While Hazel was making her way to the front yard, the four of us still in the room let out a sigh of relief that we’d finished the project without getting busted by Hazel. We no sooner acknowledged among ourselves that Leah was breathing slower than ever when Leah took her last breath.

I noticed, grabbed her right hand and arm as Candice and I looked at each other, and called her name. Candice, Olesya, and Pastor Wade were all right there and almost immediately Pastor went to the doorway to call for everyone. And just like that my friend Leah’s life in her body ended.

It was just at that time and while Pastor Wade was calling for Leah’s immediate family that her daughter Hazel saw a butterfly near where she was standing outside. I think she had just remarked with the friends she was talking to that butterflies are something her mom loved and how they are symbolic and what joy they bring. Of course, that sunny moment in the front yard was brought short by the pastor’s call. Leah’s husband and two children rushed in and surrounded her – the rest of us giving them the space to draw as near to her as they could. They all reacted in ways that were so sweetly their own. I saw Max look at his mom’s body and watched him melt. This young man, the very definition of “strapping,” had lost to the Universe his mom – the woman who cheered at his sporting events (I recall her reaching out to me on multiple occasions JUST to brag about his wrestling success) and was surely his life’s biggest fan. Hazel, when she saw her mom, manifested utter shock and disbelief. She vocalized her disbelief, too – and she wasn’t wrong: It’s utterly unfair for the Universe to call her mom back to our Source. The two had big plans and big ideas and big goals that were shared between the two of them which were meant to build and express their mother-daughter bond. The woman in Hazel’s life who was closest to her and was intended to help Hazel navigate through the trickiness of becoming who she’s destined to become was suddenly not there. I remember right then thinking of how deeply Leah loved Hazel and of all the times she spoke of Hazel’s sweet but strong-as-steel soul. Max and Hazel, according to Leah, were ancient souls and she told me over and again how honored and mystified she was that the two had chosen her to be their mom here in this life. Dan, Leah’s husband, was right in the middle. The pain on his face was crystalline. His breath was stolen from him in that moment. He’s proof that even knowing full well what’s coming won’t necessarily soften the blow of the impact. In the same way he’d been strong for his family in the past, Dan stood as strong as any man losing his wife could – giving his children the space to grieve and comforting them however he could right then. He exhibited a delicately fine balance of letting his own pain show, and pushing through it for the sake of his children’s immediate needs.

Naturally, to be witness of such a sad and intimate moment was excruciating. It immediately reminded me of familial losses – for me, in those moments, the greatest pain hasn’t been the direct loss of the loved one. For me, the most painful parts of those experiences was seeing that loss on the faces of others. I can recall vividly my father’s face when his dad slipped away. My heart broke for my dad. The same is true when I remember my maternal grandmother trying to accept the death of my mother. I was upset, sure. But I was busy helping my mother over and seeing my grandmother’s face soaked from grief was practically paralyzing to me.

I never worry about the “dearly departed.” Sometimes I miss then greatly. Sometimes I have to wait till very late at night when no one else is awake, or else maybe to go to a park where I can sit in my car and cry my own pain out. But mostly, on most days, I feel closer to them after death. They’re sometimes practically as palpable after being freed from their failing bodies. I know they don’t suffer – only we, here, left behind seem to. A year after her physical death I know my sweet friend is closer than ever – to me, and her son, and her daughter, and her widower. And she’s closer to everyone else.

I can feel her often and sometimes I can almost hear her. She and I still are proud of her children as we see them grow and change. Although I’m not as involved in their lives as I would like, she and I still watch life flow as we used to and more and more we just smile and shake our heads, just like we used to as we watched life pass the big windows we worked in at the gym spa. Together we watch life’s unending hilarity and we look at each other with side glances, smile, and start giggling to ourselves. She and I still follow the moon together and we love it still. I’d like to be able to hug my sweet friend and hear her audibly say my name the way she used to, but I’m not sad. She’s closer now than before and more alive than we can imagine.

In closing this very long post (I’m sorry!), I want to share something stolen from an Eckhart Tolle book while in a bookstore recently. I had been writing this post and editing it all day when I went to the bookstore, grabbed the book from the shelf, and stared flipping through the pages – randomly landing on a page, the timing of which was just too perfect. Tolle says, “Death is not an anamoly or the most dreadful of all events as modern culture would have you believe, but is the most natural thing in the world, inseparable from and just as natural as its polarity – birth. Remind yourself of this when you sit with a dying person. It is a privilege and a sacred act to be present at a person’s death as a witness and companion.”

Thanks for reading.

Aum Shri Mahaganeshaya Namaha | Aum Shanti





Leah and I by the wisteria, being silly

Leah and I by the wisteria, being silly





Leah holding the wisteria for my picture – we both absolutely loved this plant!





















A Child’s Toy


The thought of people generally does not go beyond the point of liberation, which they take to be the final limit of human approach. But that is a wrong idea. As a matter of fact, liberation is one of the lowest attainments on the divine path; hence it is just like a toy for a child to play with. Beyond that there is yet a lot to be achieved. The infinite ocean lies still ahead, which is but a limitless expanse. Have your eyes fixed upon That and That alone, and go on and on to trace It out.” – Ram Chnadra, The Complete Works, Vol I, page 334

Every path is unique, despite any parallels it might have between other paths.  Sahaj Marg (Heartfulness) is no different and I think the quote above illustrates that to a degree. Certainly, we are unique in other ways. But in most of Hinduism and Sufism the idea of liberation is where things stop. After all, what more could there be once you are free?

To back up a little, let’s discuss what this “liberation” is. Most of the time, in contexts like this one, liberation means liberation from samsara. Samsara is the wheel of death and rebirth. Some view this wheel as a kind of trap but it isn’t. It’s merely a result. When we don’t direct our reactions and responses in a responsible manner, then the resultant karmas (both good AND bad karmas) bind us further to this wheel. And so we go on experiencing death and rebirth, cycle after cycle, until our personal evolution is such that we are able to step off of that wheel like an exhausted hamster and then finally to know peace. This is what most people, in this context, consider liberation to be.  (Side Note: There are branches of believers who have the understanding that God will, through immeasurable and unwarranted grace and mercy, wipe away the factors (what we call samskaras & karmas) keeping a person from reaching heavenly liberation, thus bestowing liberation to the one who believes. This is a lie.)

Sahaj Marg / Heartfulness doesn’t dispute the aforementioned idea of liberation. What makes Sahaj Marg unique in this context is that, in our understanding, this liberation isn’t the actual end goal. A lot of what spiritual aspirants take to be significant spiritual progress and developments are understood within Sahaj Marg as simple sign posts. Indications of progress, sure, but nothing more – certainly nothing to be distracted by or focused on.

In a way, we treat these experiences and developments much like any thought that arises during meditation – notice it if you must, but keep moving. Liberation is no different. It’s like our guides and gurus are saying, “Okay so you stepped off the wheel of death and rebirth. Congrats – Now keep moving.” An interesting thing to note here and which might surprise most people is that this liberation – escape from endless cycles of death and rebirth – is seen as a very low attainment and like a child’s toy. Most people would immediately disagree. But it is certain that those people view their current reality through a different and probably lens. After all, to a kindergartner learning the alphabet is daunting and quite an achievement. The idea of getting to Junior High is hardly something they understand, never mind finishing that and moving on to High School or any form of education thereafter.

The lineage of Sahaj Marg guides have always stated that religion is like kindergarten. And they’ve always gently encouraged us to keep moving. From where they sit, they speak to us kindergartners and encourage us onward. “Beyond that there is a lot to be achieved.”

Aum Shri Mahaganeshaya Namaha | Aum Shanti